I'm a vegetarian now.
Recently, I had a dream. I was eating in the school's canteen.
That's not anything extraordinary except that I was chowing down some chicken meat.
When I realised that, I dug my throat.
With ease, my stomach contents begun pouring out through my mouth.
The stench was overwhelming.
After the first pour, I hurried to the nearby sink.
But my "lunch" poured out as I made my way there.
It was disgusting. It was painful. It was torturous.

I wonder, what's keeping me from telling someone how I feel.
I feel burdened. All these extra baggage which I'm carrying is wearing me out.
The inner me feels so dark and gloomy compared to what everyone sees on the outside.
I keep wanting to confide my troubles in someone but something's keeping me from doing just that.
I feel like I'm tied down by an invisible string.
I want to escape but I can't.

It's cold in here,
Bring me a blanket,
It's dark in here,
Bring me a lamp,
It's silent in here,
Bring me music,
It's lonely in here,
Bring me company.

I'm held a prisoner here,
Help me break free,
I'm tied up in here,
Help me cut the strings,
I'm want to get out from here,
Help me, help me.



I wonder if all the scary nightmares are symbols of my fear and emotions.

Dear Xanga,

I think there's something wrong with me. For the past 16 years of my life, no one seems to be there for me. No friends loyal enough for me to pour my heart into. No one close enough for me to stick with. What's wrong with me?

Now, I just can't wait to be free from school and venture into a new world. To experience a whole new place without anyone I know. Just me. I want to be in a new place where I can try to make some REAL friends. No friends now are real enough for me.

A 5 year friendship is just broken because of some petty matter. That's not friendship. At least that's what I think. Don't you think so too?

Suicidal thoughts are swarming in my head. They broke down the door to my sense of sanity. I know I need to fix that door and chase those thoughts out. I need tools and help. It's just the matter of time before I finally give in. Time.

I lived my life in a shell. Like a mollusc. But unlike it, my shell has no opening. It's dark and cold, sheilding me from the outer world. I lived my life blindly. Thinking that that's all I need in life. But I was so wrong. There's more to life than a blind one. A spark of light opened up the possibilities in life. Now, I just need to break out from that shell. An appropriate place is what I need to break out. A place where there's no watching eyes, a place where there's no sensitive nose.

So, what do you think is wrong with me? I'm a sadist and a masochist, a narcissist and a pathetic self-piteous person. What can I do to break free from all those things? Help.

Love,
YiJern.

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